Thursday, November 04, 2004


I recently got an email from a dear friend in Toronto ... she said something about her life is full of contradictions at the minute. She is a very independant girl, but now she is in a new relationship, and she has decided to go as a 50s housewife / Stepford wife for Halloween this year. I am sure the irony will not be lost on her or the new beau!

In a way, I think as humans we are all drawn to contradictions. Its a way for us to prove that things are not always as they seem. We use them to make our point in an argument whenever possible. I always enjoyed contradicting my siblings for example, just to show that I WAS RIGHT, even if deep down I agreed with them. So, where am I going with this ?

Well, the thing that I have struggled with the most my entire adult life, is the walking contradiction that I inhabit every day. That is, myself. As a child I grew up beleiving in Islam and God (Allah) and that there is an absolute right and absolute wrong. And now that I am an adult, I am an atheist (more or less, although I do talk to God sometimes!), I believe that right and wrong are very relative terms. How did I turn from good little muslim boy, to cock-sucking, beer drinking, drug using, disco-loving diva (who doesn't mind some bacon on his sandwich from time to time) ?

So, I went searching. I always knew that homosexuality was frowned upon in my religion, and I was told at the age of 15 by some Imam that the story of Lut (more known as the story of Sodom to westerners) clearly states that homosexuality is a sin. In fact the severity of the punishment of the people of Sodom is enough to scare anyone young into being gay. I mean, who wants to do something, when the punishment can be so severe. So, from that moment on I started to lose my faith. I grabbed onto it as much as I could, but it was no use, I started to look for signs of weakness in it, I started to look for (what else) contradictions.

The minute I had my first sexual experience, I knew deep down that there was no turning back. I simply liked it too much. I used to think that that mad me a bad person, there are still fleeting moments when I still do, but thankfully the guilt is gone for the most part. And so here we are, a full 10 years later (and I do remember it was around Halloween my first time), and its still something that I think about and debate in my mind. I think I'm much less of a contradiction now, and that is a part of growing up.


At 6:21 PM, Blogger Steve said...

I got into similar discussions on another blog regarding the status of homosex and religion (in this case christianity).

I think all one can ever truly know is what's in your own heart. Religious texts have been interpreted, translated, re-translated, and transliterated so much through the centuries, that it's impossible to know the original meaning or context of certain directives and parables. Throw in a healthy scoop of historical-political bias through the ages, and you begin to wonder about the sources of these texts.

It's called eisegesis - interpretation of a text to suit a particular standpoint or ideology.

Be true to yourself (and I think you're one of the most honest people I know) - and you can't be far from god. But hey, I'm a total agnostic, so bear that in mind when you listen to me waffling.

...and there you were thinking I was just the pretty one...


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