Sunday, November 21, 2004

If I Could Turn Back Time !

I have to mention something about my visit to the Barn yesterday. For those uninitiated, the Barn is a club in Toronto where I used to go on a weekly basis for the better part of 3 years (or more, man how long have I done the 'scene'). It is a place where I have some fond memories (first time I stood with a group of men dancing to The Weather Girls, it was exhilirating). It is also a place where I had some really horrible ones. I used to be so unsure of myself and was dealing with a lot of unresolved guilt about my situation at the time. The Barn, was, and still is, more or less a pick-up joint with decent music. The atmosphere is very cruisy, at times judgmental, and a bit hard to handle if you have a sensitive ego. I used to go get drunk, always searching for Mr. Right but usually going home alone, depressed about my night. Worse, was the time spent looking at all these confident guys, craving their attention and wondering why I wasn't getting it.

So I went in last night, and it was like nothing has changed about the club, except for me. I was confident, happy, went in for a dance and when I had had enough, got my jacket and left. I looked around and wondered why I cared so much or why I took it all so seriously. My mind could only think of 'him', the person that I used to be. I would love to go back in time, find 'him' standing in the corner of the club feeling sorry for himself and give him a big hug. Tell him that he will be fine, that there is nothing wrong with the person that he wants to be, and that one day people will see that person and accept him unconditionally. And so I left the Barn, feeling tired, cold, a bit drunk, and very content, which was quiet the experience.


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