Monday, February 20, 2006

Forbidden Fruit

So last night I met someone that I truly liked, and not in a lustful I will like him this week and next week I'll bitch to my friends about how in the world I ever fancied him in the first place. It may sound corny but we connected on many levels and held a really long conversation and basically didn't care about anyone else around us. There was also a definite attraction there, right from the beginning. That almost never happens to me anymore as I am jaded and cynical and just 'over it' in general (not just the attraction, but the combination of attraction and chemistry).

The problem is, he is dating someone but for now they are 'being casual' whatever that means. The other problem is, it is clear that as much as he was into me, he really wants to be with this other guy as well. I can tell just by the way he talks about him, his eyes light up and he gives a h half-smile. And the guy he is dating is someone I know and really like as a person, so there is added guilt should I do something to break that up (which I may now have done)

Maybe thats why I let my guard down last night, because he wasn't really available to me. I am a bit racked with guilt about the entire situation. I think what scares me is that I got to this really selfish place on sunday night, where I was the only one that mattered, where the attention and attraction made me feel so great that it was the only thing that mattered,and I don't like myself for it one bit. In fact, I feel like I've been very selfish lately with many aspects of my life, even if thats not apparent to people around me. No use to harp though, just chalk it up as a lesson learned and move on, thats all I can do right now.


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