Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Past and future

Just returned home over the weekend. I chose to go out the night of my arrival, just because I didn't want to deal with the emotional fall-out from my trip. I also wanted to see my friends, and I was really happy to see them. There was something different about me, I'm not sure if they noticed. I was just completely drained, but I decided to avoid that and party straight for a couple of days. Last night it finally hit me. I am moving away from people that I love, and I can't have it both ways. And so I cried. I cried, and cried and let it all out, in front of the only person who can bear it, my brother. And now I feel better, because I had to do it. I had to let the emotions flow through me, and I had to feel horrible and feel a sense of loss. In a way, my family lost me this visit, they lost their wholesome image of me, and I know that they are disappointed because they think they have failed in the way they raised me. I can't help that they feel that way, but its not something that I'm happy about. So now its looking to the future, and trying to move on from the past. Wish me luck.

Friday, November 26, 2004

Old Friends

Old friends are a funny thing. You can fall back into the groove with them faily easily. People who are really my friends were very easy to get back in touch with this time around, even if I didn't see much of them. I didn't have to work at it, we didn't have to work at being comfortable with each other. So here is to old friends, hope you always stay with me, through thick and thin :-)

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Papa Don't Preach

It was bound to happen, since my parents have laid off on the topic of marriage for the time being (see this post) they have opened up their second favorite topic, my handling of my money. I made the mistake of asking my dad for a little loan to cover up my expenses on my Canadian account (money that I have but didn't want to take out of my other accounts). This led to a lively discussion about how much money I actually save on a monthly basis and a curiosity as to where it all goes. Since they are unaware of my many extracurricular activities (mainly clubbing) my parents are justifiably baffled about how little I actually do save. I usually don't let them interfere or ask about such matters, but since I needed the little loan it was difficult for me not to listen to the lecture.

The lecture inevitably led to some advice about 'getting your life together, you're now almost 30' which had in it many not-so-subtle references to settling down and getting married. I can see my dad is still quiet hurt about me leashing out on him last week and was in a 'its your life if you wanna ruin it' mode, it was quiet the tour de force. Mum was adamant that I will indeed ruin my life if I 'follow my current path,' with sufficient glee. And so it goes, another day, another way to make me feel the guilt. Fun.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

The Essential Mix

I've been listening to Pete Tong's Essential Selection show for quiet some time. Its really quiet wicked, and with the BBC radio player you can replay the show whenever you want. Highly recommended.

Sunday, November 21, 2004


Alright, it was bound to happen, I have started my very own Oscar Watch blog as the run-up to the Academy Awards begins. So please check out Oscarfication from time to time. I am yet to put in some entries....

If I Could Turn Back Time !

I have to mention something about my visit to the Barn yesterday. For those uninitiated, the Barn is a club in Toronto where I used to go on a weekly basis for the better part of 3 years (or more, man how long have I done the 'scene'). It is a place where I have some fond memories (first time I stood with a group of men dancing to The Weather Girls, it was exhilirating). It is also a place where I had some really horrible ones. I used to be so unsure of myself and was dealing with a lot of unresolved guilt about my situation at the time. The Barn, was, and still is, more or less a pick-up joint with decent music. The atmosphere is very cruisy, at times judgmental, and a bit hard to handle if you have a sensitive ego. I used to go get drunk, always searching for Mr. Right but usually going home alone, depressed about my night. Worse, was the time spent looking at all these confident guys, craving their attention and wondering why I wasn't getting it.

So I went in last night, and it was like nothing has changed about the club, except for me. I was confident, happy, went in for a dance and when I had had enough, got my jacket and left. I looked around and wondered why I cared so much or why I took it all so seriously. My mind could only think of 'him', the person that I used to be. I would love to go back in time, find 'him' standing in the corner of the club feeling sorry for himself and give him a big hug. Tell him that he will be fine, that there is nothing wrong with the person that he wants to be, and that one day people will see that person and accept him unconditionally. And so I left the Barn, feeling tired, cold, a bit drunk, and very content, which was quiet the experience.

Friday, November 19, 2004


Only one thought that has popped into my head this morning ... NEVER mix Beer and Rev on a night out drinking. I thank you for your time.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

The post with no name - part 1

Random thoughts first thing in the morning:

  • Vegetarians who eat eggs must be pro-choice on the abortion debate ... THINK about it.
  • I am bored and hungry, and wondering if its bad for my cholesterol if I have eggs for breakfast again this morning.
  • Why am I thinking so much about eggs?
  • Traditions and values that are morally wrong will never change if people keep upholding them.
  • Why can't I picture my ideal boyfriend anymore. There was such a clear image of him a few years ago in my head.
  • My first impressions of people are the ones I should always trust.
  • Red Rose - over-rated as a flower, give me an orchid any day

I have decided to make this a daily (hopefully) habit while on vacation. Just random thoughts that pop into my head when I first wake up. Ok, gonna go have some eggs now.

The Comment Box

Its been brought to my attention that people have been unable to put comments in the comment box unless they were registered blogger users. I have changed the settings so now anyone can put comments in. So go ahead, tell me what you *really* think. Oh go on...you know you want to .. !!!!

Top 5 Songs

Ok, so I wrote this email to the lovely Brad, who I only met over the weekend, about my five favorite tracks at the minute. Clearly, it turned into a mini-review of the five songs that I love at the minute. So, here's a copy of the email (and I know of one person who will kill me for putting the Danni Minogue song on it, after protesting for the better part of a month on how it completely ruined the original instrumental by Flower Power).

My top 5 would be (with commentary !!):

1. A-Studio feat Pollina :'SOS' - Skylark Vocal Mix (really amazing vocal that has a wonderful immediacy to it with a heavy bassline, I go into full-on dance mode when I hear this in a club)

2. Michael Grey : 'The Weekend' - Original mix (I heard this back in the summer, just a fun record, but they added extra vocals when it was released as a single, which I hated)

3. Coco and Villa : 'La Noche' -Julian Poker Mix (the most amazing instrumental, really beautiful, lots of strings and guitars, one to dance to with someone you really like, holding them close and having that magic moment)

4. Danni Minogue feat Flower Power - 'You Won't Forget About Me' (uses the instrumental called 'Flower Power' by Flower Power and puts a very catchy vocal from Ms Minogue on top)

5. Angel City - 'Do You Know (I go Crazy)' (which samples Children by Robert Miles with a really gorgeous trancy vocal ... ! )

Step One to Coming Out - Courage!

I am beginning to realize that this weblog has dealt with (more than anything) my coming out process and my ever changing view of family and friends. I really hoped it would show my other dimensions, but hey this is whats dominating my life at the minute, so there. With this visit to Canada, the main thing that has pre-occupied my time has been my dishonesty to my parents about my homosexuality (for many reasons, I'd rather not get into).

I still haven't come out, but after today, the possibility of me doing so has become much more plausible. They have harassed me about marriage (to a good Muslim girl) for the past week in a relentless fashion. I would have never imagined standing up to them and telling them to leave me alone, which is precisely what I did today. I even told them not to hold their breath about me getting married anytime soon. A very big step indeed, as I used to just nod agreement and make an excuse as to why I haven't found 'her' yet. Funnily it wasn't as bad as I expected, me actually standing up to them and actually telling them what I thought for once, instead of just appeasing them. And I didn't even feel guilty even though they did look hurt and bewildered by my sudden outburst on independance.

So, second step would be ....... ?????????????????????

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

I said DANCE motherfucker

Ok, so I am going LINK crazy today, but to someone who likes house music this is major. I have been unable to manage to find a good quality stream of dance music to listen to while working on my computer. Yeah sure I can download, but it just takes so much time and energy sometimes. So, you can only imagine my excitment when I stumbled onto the Music One website today. Good quality streams of dance songs and good remixes of pop songs. Exactly the music I like and its been streaming onto my computer all day.

Post-Election Fallout

Its interesting what the results of the American elections have had on the psyche of people. I think being in Canada right now and being so close to the U.S. you can see how much the left and right are polarised on the issues of the war in Iraq, abortion, gay marriage and the rest. A couple of links to look at :

http://www.fuckthesouth.com and this CNN article

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Update .... Day 3

So, its day 3 in Toronto now , and boy oh boy how terribly exciting its all been. I went to renew my driver's license yesterday and my healthcare today. The first was a piece of cake, the latter was a problem as I no longer reside in Canada, I don't qualify for government assisted healthcare. The lady behind the counter looked at me like some sort of fiend trying to rob the Canadian taxpayers of their hard-earned money by sponging off the healthcare system . I realized on the way home that I have no travel insurance (as I was relying on my Canadian healthcare during the trip) and drove VERY SLOWLY.

The past week has been absolutely crazy. There was the BIG WEEKEND OUT last weekend, where I did everything under the sun for a period of 72 hours that were unforgettable. I got much closer to my friends in London and it was a really nice time. I was also a complete wreck at the time, getting very anxious about my impending visit to Canada and seeing my family. So far things have gone as expected, my parents and sister bringing up the topic of marriage on an average of 4 times a day in the last 2 days alone. I have learned to completely shut them out when they are speaking, they have chosen to ignore the fact that I'm ignoring them and have kept on going (with what must be a fully rehearsed script that each of them has memorized). Still, life at home has been good, I have been catching up on sleep, reading, watching trashy tv and just detoxing overall, which I have needed to do.

Saw David and the Mit last night, and I went back to my old haunts on Church Street. Black Eagle, Woody's and Crews. It was really nice to get back and be all nostalgic , although I am convinced now more than ever that the place where I belong is London. I didn't really feel like myself when I was out last night, but that may have more to do with my jet-lag and tired state last night.

Still, time spent with my friends is always fantastic, and I love those two so much, a part of me wishes I can be here for them more. David and I just have so much fun together that we got right back into things within 2 minutes of seeing each other. Of course, he is still the one who gets all of the attention, and people still mistake us for boyfriends (it happened TWICE last night) and I think that's the way I like it. The Mit just brings me back to the ground, and he did that last night, although he was extremely drunk by the end of the evening. I cannot look at at him without having a smile on my face.

Anyway, this is my report from Canadia for now, I will update it with more fascinating stuff in the next week hopefully.

Thursday, November 04, 2004


I recently got an email from a dear friend in Toronto ... she said something about her life is full of contradictions at the minute. She is a very independant girl, but now she is in a new relationship, and she has decided to go as a 50s housewife / Stepford wife for Halloween this year. I am sure the irony will not be lost on her or the new beau!

In a way, I think as humans we are all drawn to contradictions. Its a way for us to prove that things are not always as they seem. We use them to make our point in an argument whenever possible. I always enjoyed contradicting my siblings for example, just to show that I WAS RIGHT, even if deep down I agreed with them. So, where am I going with this ?

Well, the thing that I have struggled with the most my entire adult life, is the walking contradiction that I inhabit every day. That is, myself. As a child I grew up beleiving in Islam and God (Allah) and that there is an absolute right and absolute wrong. And now that I am an adult, I am an atheist (more or less, although I do talk to God sometimes!), I believe that right and wrong are very relative terms. How did I turn from good little muslim boy, to cock-sucking, beer drinking, drug using, disco-loving diva (who doesn't mind some bacon on his sandwich from time to time) ?

So, I went searching. I always knew that homosexuality was frowned upon in my religion, and I was told at the age of 15 by some Imam that the story of Lut (more known as the story of Sodom to westerners) clearly states that homosexuality is a sin. In fact the severity of the punishment of the people of Sodom is enough to scare anyone young into being gay. I mean, who wants to do something, when the punishment can be so severe. So, from that moment on I started to lose my faith. I grabbed onto it as much as I could, but it was no use, I started to look for signs of weakness in it, I started to look for (what else) contradictions.

The minute I had my first sexual experience, I knew deep down that there was no turning back. I simply liked it too much. I used to think that that mad me a bad person, there are still fleeting moments when I still do, but thankfully the guilt is gone for the most part. And so here we are, a full 10 years later (and I do remember it was around Halloween my first time), and its still something that I think about and debate in my mind. I think I'm much less of a contradiction now, and that is a part of growing up.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

The Wonderful World of Bear Art

Found this site for Guy Thomas who does bear art. Some really lovely work that shows that big and hairy can be a very beautiful thing indeed. My favorite work displayed on the site is Kiss

Queen of the Sky

Saw this story about Queen of the Sky , who was maintaining a semi-fictional account of her life on a blogger site, similar to this one. She was fired by Delta Airlines for apparently no good reason (she posted some images of herslelf on one of the planes that they deemed indecent!). I've added the blog to my favorite links as its quiet entertaining, and good luck to Ellen in her legal battle.

Monday, November 01, 2004

A Very Sad Day

Last night, David Morley, who survived the bomb attack on the Admiral Duncan a few years ago and was well known to many in London's gay community was attacked and killed on his way home from a club. It is believed that the attack, one of many that night, was homophobic. Its quiet a sad day for myself as it hits home in more ways than one. I have walked alone late at night from clubs and this could conceivably happen to any one of us, I am quiet lucky that I take cabs home as I live quiet far away. It is scary that in this day and age, in a big city like London, hatred and bigotry still exist, and they are able to manifest themselves in such a despicable fashion. Although I never knew him, I understand that David had a close friendship with some of my dearest friends and my thoughts and deepest condolances are with them and with everyone who has lost him this weekend.

Hope you rest in peace.